Teaching Boys Who Struggle in School: Pathway 1: Support

Cleveland devotes the second half of her book to exploring the 6 pathways to turn underachieving boys into successful students and men. The first pathway is Support. Cleveland begins by quoting from psychologist Lev Vygotsky that “optimal learning takes place when a student is able to stretch just beyond his current level of understanding or proficiency. In this new territory lies an optimal degree of challenge that stimulates learning without overwhelming the learner.” This exposes the problem with learning and underachieving boys: if underachieving boys are afraid of failure, they will not take the risks necessary to put themselves into new situations or stretch themselves. How can this be combated?  Through support.  By creating trusting relationships between the teacher and student, “ a secure teacher-student relationship encourages the underachieving boy to accept the risks of learning; and second, a supportive classroom culture encourages him to persist through both the trials and errors of learning without shutting down.”

Cleveland goes on to explore these two aspects. Boys need to believe that their teacher knows they can succeed.  Also, that if necessary, the teacher will provide support when necessary. Cleveland quotes from a research report called “Boys Getting it Right: Report of the Inquiry into the Education of Boys” regarding the qualities teachers can have that communicate trust and support:

• Teacher to Boy Interactions
• Attends to my interests in some way
• Cares about me individually
• Easy to talk to
• Helps me feel OK about myself
• Knows how I learn
• Knows me personally
• Knows what I am feeling
• Listens to me; is understanding
• Listens to me when I have a problem
• Respects me
• Talks to me about what interests me outside of school
• Responses to Misbehavior
• Doesn’t hold a grudge
• Fair
• Gives me a second chance
• Has no negative expectations
• Likes me even if I mess up
• Shows no favoritism
• Support During Learning
• Encourages me to try again
• Explains work carefully
• Helps me learn and makes sure I get it
• Helps me learn from my mistakes
• Makes work interesting
• Passionate about and committed to what is being taught
• Fear reduction:
• Doesn’t humiliate me in front of the class
• Explains policies and why they are being enforced
• Relaxed and can laugh at own mistakes

One tool that Cleveland explores to provide the support boys need as a leader coach model.  In this model, teachers aren’t just focused on learning content, but on building life skills in their boys. Boys that have coaches and mentors in their life that are more concerned for the individual create a more positive learning environment and warm relationship. This often translates to success in all areas of the boy’s life.  

Another access point Cleveland explores is creating a safe learning environment. The importance of creating a non-threatening learning environment where boys can feel safe while learning new material, learning and exploring from their mistakes, and forging ahead with confidence in new ideas is imperative.  This learning environment needs to be a space that “a boy belongs and feels both respected and valued as a member of that environment.”  If the space doesn’t feel safe, the boy is unable to learn.  Cleveland cites research from DePorter and colleagues that discusses the importance of everything in a classroom speaks to the students.  So, how do we create classrooms that are safe, nurturing places of learning?

Cleveland moves past the tool of coach models and safe learning environments to creating classrooms of shared principles. She argues of the importance of creating a culture of mutual responsibility in a classroom where teachers and students are equals- both have a say in deciding the direction of the classroom culture.  This creates buy in for the students as well as for the teacher regarding accountability.  And, this take considerable time to develop. Teachers need to constantly reinforce principles that are mutually agreed upon over and over reteaching and relearning from mistakes.  

Cleveland shares Deporter’s 8 Keys of Excellence with her readers as guiding points to help develop shared principles. These principles are great for classrooms as well as rolling over into the students’ lives outside of school.  

• Integrity: match behaviors with values
• Failure leads to success: learn from mistakes
• Speak with Good purpose: Speak honestly and kindly
• This Is It!: Make the most of every moment
• Commitment: keep promises
• Ownership: Take responsibility for feelings, words, and actions
• Flexibility: Remain open to change
• Balance: develop mind, body, and spirit

After explaining and adapting these 8 skills, Cleveland uses the as a spring board to develop classroom policies with students as another tool to employ to create a safe and secure learning environment.  She suggests:

1. Involve boys in creating the policies: this removes the power structure from the process and empowers the students to see their view points as equally valuable and relevant.

2. Limit the number of policies to five or fewer: the longer the list of policies, the harder it is to enforce

3. State policies positively: state the behavior you wish to encourage.

4. Make sure the policies are fully understood before enforcing them: many boys evaluate the policy by how it is implemented rather than the fairness of the behavior it asks for.

5: Be Consistent. Be consistent. Be consistent: consistency reinforces safety

“Boys need clear, firm boundaries; the harder they push against them, the stronger those boundaries should be. It is important to remember, however, that part of the purpose of boundaries is to give them something to push against, so don’t be surprised (or angry) when they do just that.”

6. Enforce policies in a matter of fact way: boys push against boundaries as a means of getting attention.  The stronger you react to each infraction, the stronger the boys’ response.  Keep it simple. Be positive. Be calm. Be clear.

7. Forgive and forget. No grudges allowed.  Boys are more likely to hear if we say it, and then move on.  

8. Acknowledge effort: give genuine praise.

Cleveland sums up her explanation of Pathway 1:Support stating:

• Remember that building trust is a long term process.  
• Having clear policies help students and teachers develop safe and secure learning environments
• Everything we do speaks to our students
• Live the principles everyday so students see the principles ingrained in their school and personal lives.

Teaching Boys Who Struggle in School: Part One

I began reading Kathleen Palmer Cleveland’s book Teaching Boys Who Struggle In School: Strategies That Turn Underachievers into Successful Learners because a good friend of mine knew of my studies regarding boys and learning.  

Cleveland opens the book giving the reader the dual perspectives that exist regarding why boys don’t achieve.  One perspective is that because there was such a fixation on catching up girls, boys were left behind and are now suffering from this crisis.  The other perspective suggests that boys brains are hardwired differently and therefore need to be taught differently. The one perspective all points agree on is that boys in ethnic minorities struggle the most especially if they live in low socio-economic areas. Rather than focusing on probable reasons of why boys struggle, Cleveland focus on finding solutions for boys’ underachievement.

Cleveland found that there are four key areas affecting boys underachievement:

1. Influence of non-academic factors on academic success: social confidence, attitudes about self and learning,  and access to support systems.

2. Factors contributing to the “experience” of school: relationships kids have with friends and their teachers at school.

3. How competence can enhance persistence: lack of literacy skills affect boys the most

4. How a classroom’s physical arrangement impacts a learner’s success within it: lighting, seating, room arrangement affect boys

Cleveland that suggest her goals to help boys become more successful in school:

• Replace his negative attitudes about learning with productive perspectives about the role  of risk ( and even failure) as a necessary and valued part of the learning process
• Reconnect him with school, with learning, and with a belief in himself as a competent learner who is capable, valued and respected
• Rebuild his life skills and learning skills that lead to academic success and also lay the groundwork for success in life
• Reduce his need to use unproductive and distracting behaviors as a means of self-exploration

To begin her journey towards achieving her 4 goals, Cleveland spends time dissecting the learning styles of most boys who are underachievers. Surprisingly, 63% are Sensing/Feeling and 24% are Intuitive/Feeling.  This means that over 87% of underachievers fall into these two categories.  So, how do we meet the needs of these boys?  With the SF, we need to create learning environments that are non-competitive, but rather collaborative environments.  We need to allow boys to express themselves verbally using their own words, and connect personally to his learning.  With the NF learner, we need to create learning environments that are focused on larger issues, appreciate creativity, and create emotional connections to others. These students also like to work in groups and personally connect to their learning.  As Cleveland comments regarding why these particular groups conflict with traditional school is “learner’s need to connect with what he is learning before he learns so that he can learn it, a process that takes extra time for both the student to do and the teacher to accommodate.”  How can we do this in our classrooms?  

1. Work interactively with others
2. Forge a personal connection to the information
3. Engage with the information in a creative manner and that allows a personal expression of the learning.

Too often as teachers, we teach to the style we are comfortable with rather than creating a classroom that fosters all learning and type styles. This contributes to considerable negativity and lack of success with boys since their needs are not being met.  But, this is not the only contributing factor to boys struggles in school. Cleveland devotes an entire chapter to exploring the issue of the cultural expectations we place on boys.  Boys have a huge fear of failure  which connects to their lack of trying new things because they do not want to be seen as unsuccessful.  Cleveland breaks down these concerns into three factors:

1. The boy code:boys are supposed to behave like superheroes and hide their emotions, they also do not want to be seen as smart, boys don’t want to talk through conflicts, and do not like to read and write.  

• This boy code, “negatively affects his attitudes and willingness to engage in learning on many levels: by labeling literacy or being smart as feminine and , thus, something to be avoided at all costs; by emphasizing being tough and uncommunicative; and by convincing boys to adopt a host of counterproductive hyper-masculine behaviors and defensive maneuvering, including the willingness to fail in order to secure a sense of belonging.”

2. The code and emotional fragility: boys that suppress their emotions and do not learn to deal with their emotions appropriately end up with life long problems:

• boys will be less able to deal with conflicts, problems, and changes
• less able to interpret and respond to others, thus unable to develop deep relationships with others
• boys will tend to turn inward since he can’t get help from others or turn outward and act cruelly
• ultimately, because he can’t deal with emotions, he can’t read emotions or feel empathetic which puts him at a disadvantage to understanding literature

3. The code and the Lack of Positive Male Role Models: the negative impact of the code increases when boys do not have positive male role models to demonstrate the importance of being a man goes far beyond adhering to a code

Cleveland then goes on to create a multifaceted approach to re-connecting and re-engaging boys.  She creates six pathways to re-engagement: support, guide, reinforce, adjust, ignite, empower. She breaks down the pathways as overarching focuses.  The access points that follow allow the teacher to narrow your focus to a course of action. Finally, the tools give the teacher the means to respond to the students. In subsequent blog posts, I will break down the six pathways.

Boys Should Be Boys: 7 Secrets to Raising Healthy Sons- Part Four

At the end of Meeker’s book, she gives the reader two chapters focusing on how to raise boys and tips for making sure parents are raising their kids appropriately.

Meeker begins, “ If you want your son to become a courageous man, begin training him now. If you believe that he will live a happier life if he is honest, crush deceitfulness in him immediately. If you want him to be respected and honored for his character, teach him humility. And if you want him to use his masculinity constructively, teach him that strength, courtesy and respect go together.”

Meeker urges parents to teach their sons the virtues of integrity, courage, humility, meekness and kindness.

Integrity:

• Boys consider honesty to be a masculine quality
• Parents should be models of honesty for our children to follow
• A boys needs a sense of personal honor
• Living with honesty means seeing yourself and others as they truly are

Courage:

• Courage is a virtue that makes the other virtues put into action
• Boys who live virtuous lives needs courage in order to stand up for what they believe
• A boy who does the right thing under pressure can control himself and his emotions- this is a huge source of pride and self-respect.

Humility:

• Boys with accurate perceptions of themselves and the world spend little time thinking of themselves. They look outward not inward
• Boys with humility respect others
• Boys with humility know that their sense of worth comes from themselves not from others
• Humility brings strength
• Boys will realize that no man is more valuable than another
• Humility allows for boys to do things for others rather than for one’s self

Meekness:

• “Constrained power”
• Boys need help learning to channel their energies in appropriate directions
• Self control is extremely important to develop in boys
• When boys use their energies inappropriately, he will face you as the parent directly
• Boys need exercise in order to harness and direct their energies appropriately

Kindness:

• Boys take action to show kindness rather than through empathy as girls do.
• Boys trained in kindness lead happier lives because they are more compassionate. They learn to take on the burden of others so therefore, they become stronger men.
• Train boys to speak well of others
• Don’t allow boys to be complainers

Ten Tips for Getting it Right:

1. Know that you change his world: all future relationships stem from your son’s relationship with you. Parents are the number one influence on a boy’s life.
2. Raise him from the inside out: boys need to know what their parents think of them.  when we can shape a boy’s character, we can influence the way he behaves for the rest of his life.  Stress to boys that we want them admired for their character far more than their performance.  If we fail boys, it is in this area.
3. Help his masculinity explode: boys want to know how to lead.  Talk to boys about what it means to be a leader, the responsibility that comes with leadership and about how leadership is helping not hurting others. Leadership is ultimately a sign of strength. Leadership is necessary for boys to mature. Boys are natural protectors so give them the opportunities to protect others and stand up for what they believe in.
4. Help him find purpose and passion:every single boys needs to know he was born for  a purpose. A boy’s personal mission is going to be his greatest motivator to succeed.
5. Teach him to serve: the primary objective of every parent is to help their boy grow into a man by giving him the tools necessary to love others before himself.  To put others needs before his own.  When we serve others, our lives become more fulfilled. Through these actions, we learn patience and compassion. We gain humility.
6. Insist on self respect:every boy wants to know they are respected. But boys need to know respect comes from respecting others. Teach boys to speak well of others, to think and act in positive ways. Sons learn respect by watching their fathers. So fathers need to be very careful on how they speak to their sons because they are watching and listening.
7. Persevere: Parenting is exhausting but never give up on your sons.  No son can spend too much time with his father. If your son is living a good life, let him know it; if he is struggling, let him know you can help him solve the problem.
8. Be his hero: Boys need to see courage, integrity and nobleness in action.  Boys turn to their fathers to see these actions. Talk to boys about heroes in ordinary lives. Boys need to admire heroes that are older than they are. Don’t compare boys of the same age to one another.
9. Watch, then watch again: when a child hurts, so do the parents. All parties need to be involved to solve a son’s problems.
10. Give him the best of yourself: self control of a boy’s emotions is ok. Boys need to learn, much like men, there are times when letting our emotions out is not ok.  Boys need to know, however, expressing emotions to their parents is always ok.The more time a parent devotes to his son, the more the child feels safe to open up himself to the parent.

Meeker closes her book with, “There is a boy waiting for you....He needs you to see him, to invest in him, and then to teach him about life, work, and what his life is really all about. he needs you-his parent, grandparent, teacher, or mentor-to take a risk for him. Love him fiercely because the world he sees is a confusing and painful one. It is his enemy and you are his ally. Show him that you are dangerous to the world because you take your responsibility for shaping his llife very seriously.”

Boys Should Be Boys: 7 Secrets to Raising Healthy Sons- Part Three

Meeker ends her book focusing on the three areas she explored in part one:mothers, fathers and God. She devotes a chapter to each examining the importance of these three areas of boys’ development towards manhood.

Mothers:

• Mothers are the love givers. Mothers need to love and mothers love to be needed.
• Mothers offer their sons many of the same things as fathers but do so differently.
• Women communicate more about their emotions than men do. They verbally communicate love more easily.
• A child needs to internalize his mother’s love because it sets how he feels towards all other women in his life/
• Mothers love to touch- and everyone needs physical touch.
• Mothers love to talk to their sons, but realizing their sons don’t like to respond.
• Mothers love their sons through food.
• Mothers love their sons through sacrifice.
• Mothers are often overprotective and are attacked by their sons for being so.
• Where fathers like to solve the problems their sons encounter, mothers can’t always do so because they wrap up too many personal feelings into creating the problem. Mothers personalize their son’s problems.  
• Mothers are grace givers, “Every son needs to experience grace...To know that he is not good enough, smart enough or too mean to be loved is devastating to a boy. But the experience of a mother's embrace and acceptance is life-changing for a boy.. It is about being able to accept love from one another and then return love...when he learns to accept love when he feels humiliated, he learns to stand a bit taller. He learns to trust himself as a man.”
• “A mother needs to remember that her goal is to help her son be comfortable enough with himself to form deep bonds and respect his way of doing it.”
• Mothers and sons need time together to relax and be together.
• Often mothers can project their feelings towards others upon their sons in harmful ways:
• Enmeshment: mothers cannot identify where she ends and her son begins
• Estrangement: mothers feel estranged from their sons simply because he is a male. This often happens in cases of divorce where mothers take out feelings she has towards the father upon the son.
• Overdependence: mothers constantly communicate towards sons that he needs her and can’t do without her.  This also communicates towards sons that his father isn’t important. Often times women who have gone through divorces and feel wounded by men, try to make up for his loss by making herself overly important in her son’s life.
• Unavailability: boys need to form emotional bonds with their mothers in a consistent manner.  If the boys can’t trust that their mother is available to them  or dependable, they can’t bond or trust her.
• Mothers need to listen to their instincts and use common sense letting boys be boys.

Fathers:

• “It takes a man to raise a man.”
• Fathers shape boy’s worlds. The way a father treats those around him determines how a boys does as well.
• Fathers are the rule setters and authority figures. They are the protectors and their son’s hope.  
• Boys need their father’s blessings, love, and to teach them self-control.
• Boys read into all of their father’s behaviors wanting to know how their fathers truly feel about them.  
• Mother’s can’t give boys blessings because mothers have to love their sons.  A father’s respect has to be earned by the son in order to receive the blessing that he is leading a good life and that he is a good man.
• Blessings can be touches or spoken messages, but it is “important to understand is that boys need a father to make his blessing verbal. A father needs to tell a son how much he values him and approves him...That’s why it is so important for a father to tell his son how highly he values him.”
• Sons need fathers to express their love by spending time with them, showing affection, and refusing to give up on their son.
• Sons need to know they are worthy of their dad’s time and attention. Spending time with their sons validates this love.
• Sons need to do things together with their fathers rather than always talking such as a mother might do.  This could be having similar hobbies, exercise, or work.
• The most damaging thing a father can do to a son is giving up on him, “ Relationships require commitment and hard work. They require getting through the hard times. And with fathers and sons, they require dads to realize that their sons need dads who stick with them-even when the son pushes his dad away (which he might do just to see if dad will push back). The good news is that dads have the strength to tough it out during the painful times; they are big enough to set blame aside; they can be stubborn enough to see things through; and they can be loyal enough to stick by their sons no matter what.”
• Boys learn to control their emotions by what they see their fathers do.
• “A son who grows up with a father learns not to fear himself. He learns to be grounded in his father’s love. He is girded by his father’s acceptance and approval. He has learned ot be a leader because his father has led him. He has learned ot become a provider because his dad has filled him with the ingredients of a good character.  And he has learned to become a protector, because his father showed him how strength should be used and how self-control should be practiced. He has become a man, because he was raised by a man.”

Boys to Men:

• Boys need clear pictures of what lies ahead in their journey from boyhood to manhood.
• Men are fully mature when they can deal with their emotions using self-control and separating his feelings from his actions. Blaming others when a boy should blame himself is showcasing a boy’s immaturity. Boys that are immature lac the capactity to correct their own mistakes. It is easier to blame others. Parents can help their boys overcome this obstacle, “letting your son understand that taking responsibility for his bad behavior works better for him than pointing the finger at others. Life is happier when he is in charge-of what he does wrong and what he does well.”
• Help sons ask questions of themselves rather than others.
• Boys need time with their parents over things.
• Boys need a solid moral foundation to help them discern what is right from what is wrong. Let him practice and talk with him about his choices. Be his sounding board.  
• Don’t allow boys to quit.  Teach boys to find what is right, follow what is right, and hold on to it.  
• Boys need help moving into and out of adolescence.  We can’t simply forget about boys.  

God:

• Many parents think that they should allow kids to explore religion for themselves by not giving them any structure or guidance. This is one of the greatest disservices we can do for our children.  
• Why do boys need God?
• religious fathers have better relationships with their sons.
• mothers who have a solid faith have better relationships with their sons.
• When mothers and sons attend religious services together, they also have better relationships with their sons.
• Boys who are religious are less likely to be sexually active too soon or promiscuous. They are also less likely to drink, smoke, become depressed, and suffer from depression.
• Religion provides structure and rules that boys need to guide them.  It also provides authority figures and role models to help boys deal with their questions.
• “We so eagerly don’t want our children to be pushed by us in any direction educationally, psychologically, or spiritually that we hold back when we should lead. Many parents tell me that they want their kids to grow up to make their own decisions about God. They want their boys to make their own choices, about which, if any, religion they want to believe.  This is, in a way, noble. Our job as parents should be to educate and stimulate our boys to read and think on our own. But the fatal flaw is that boys can’t choose from an empty menu. Asking a child to choose his own faith is like flying him to Prague, taking him to the center of the city, and asking him to pick out where to stay and what to do. He doesn’t have a clue because he doesn’t know what his options are. He has never been there before and the city is expansive and overwhelming. If parents really want to help their boys choose, then the responsible thing to do would be to give them an extensive education in the West’s, if not the world’s, religions.” “ Teach your boys about your faith. If you don’t have one, figure out what you believe.”
• Why boys need God:
• Hope: a forward thinking belief. It gives a boy that something better is yet to come. It allows for God to be in-charge.  God has no limitations, He won’t die, He can’t fail.
• Love:  God’s love transcends all others. God’s love is unconditional and boys need to know they deserve of His love. Fathers need
• Truth: boys all need to find truth. Some boys want to renounce the idea of God’s existence because of human pain, and not wanting to hear what God would say to him if he believed.
• Grace: Boys need chances to learn from their mistakes and to be forgiven for those mistakes.  God gives boys reassurance that their mistakes will always be forgiven and their errors can be put behind them.

Security: God is always with boys. Boys can always turn to God because he is always present in their lives, “Giving a boy the security of God, the God that always sees him and always loves him, is the defense parents can offer their child. A father offers security, but when he gives his son God, he gives his son something greater. dad makes mistake. God doesn’t. Dad won’t always be around. God will. And God loves them both. Every boy deserves a chance to know this.”

Boys Should Be Boys: 7 Secrets to Raising Healthy Sons- Part Two

Meeker opens the middle section of her book discussing our culture’s perception of teenage boys. Our society perpetuates the image of teenage boys as delinquents, trouble makers, defiant kids who are drug addicted, drinking, and disrespectful continually defying parents’ wishes.  

Meeker argues, “Our job is to teach our sons to be assertive enough and strong enough to be different from the rest. They must walk away from the party where their friends are drunk. They need to have the strength to say not the their girlfriends...The problem is that we’re dead wrong about why  boys get into trouble in the first place. It isn’t primarily peer pressure that is driving boys towards drugs, drinking, depression or that is causing them to fall behind academically or drop out of school. The real reason is that WE HAVE LOWERED OUR EXPECTATIONS about teenage boys.”

What we experience culturally in America with boys doesn’t exist in other parts of the world. So why do American boys struggle so much? Because we are such an affluent society who doesn’t want to push anything on our kids. We try and protect them from so much. We need to raise our expectations of boys and provide mentorship, role models and learning and growing opportunities for our boys.

Meeker goes into much of the brain research surrounding adolescent boys, “teens many actually be able to influence how their brains are wired during teen years because the brain is undergoing so many developmental changes. By learning to order their thoughts, understand abstract concepts, and control their impulses, they exercise their brains, and this might influence their neural foundations... For instance, the front part of the brain is called the frontal cortex. This part of the brain controls judgement, emotional regulation, and self-control. We now know that this doesn’t develop completely until the early twenties in many boys...Much of the new brain research encourages parents and educators to recognize that teen boys are very much a work in progress and that they are still learning how to make mature decisions and control impulses, and that is during the teen years that we can have the most decisive effect on helping them to shape these aspects of their character.”

Meeker spends an entire chapter describing the relationship between encouragement, mastery and competition. Boys imperatively need to have encouragement from their parents and the stakeholders in their life. Importantly, this encouragement needs to be authentic and genuine. Often times during periods of competition, these are the optimal moments for encouragement because a boy’s masculinity is tested. He compares himself to others, and wants his parents to recognize what he has accomplished.  Also during these moments of competition, whether through imaginary play or real scenarios, boys need to have reinforced their moral order of good and bad, “ every good parent must provide a means for the boy to deal with the problem of evil and not simply ignore it.”

Additionally, Meeker explains the difference in mother and father roles with encouragement.  Boys can act out in front of their mothers because they are the emotional supporters and security. They are compassionate, patient and kind.  Boys aren’t as worried or concerned with winning their mother’s approval. However, fathers provide the encouragement for boys that is more necessary than anything else, “ In a boy’s eyes, his father’s words are sacred.  They hold enormous power...Encouragement from a father changes a boy’s life. His words can ignite furious passion in a boy that will help him achieve any goal he sets out to accomplish. To a son, a dad’s words are the final truth. If they are positive, a boys feels that he cannot be beaten; if they are negative, however, a son feels that he could never win.”  Meeker repeatedly reinforces the power a father’s positive words can have on a son.  These words impact the future of his son as well as the boy’s self esteem.  

Meeker shifts to discussing competition with boys.Even if the boy doesn’t win in competitions, the way he learns about himself as a growing man, “Competition for a boy is more about building his identity and self perception than it is about beating others. Winning elevates his mood precisely because it offers clear evidence that what he wants to feel about himself- that he is manly- is occurring.”  Meeker argues that competition helps a boy control his body and develop his body to perform in the ways he wants it to. This then allows for a boy to control his emotions and master them which is another step towards growing as a man and maturing, “The goal of maturity is learning how to behave as a boy knows he should regardless of where his emotions want to take him.” All of this comes to the forefront in adolescence. This is why it is so imperative to give more praise and encouragement at this juncture of their lives. Boys need scaffolding and guidance like a life jacket rather than be tossed into the sea of life without an floatation device.  Boys need to know we will always be there loving, supporting, guiding them on this journey, “It is essential that parents teach their sons that living and ordered life, replete with dun as well as discipline, paves the way to a free life and a successful one. Boys who learn through encouragement of their inherently masculine qualities, who learn to enjoy healthy competition that helps them to respect others and themselves, are boys who have a much better chance of living good lives.”  As a community, we can help boys achieve working together for the betterment of all boys and all children.

Boys Should Be Boys: 7 Secrets to Raising Healthy Sons- Part One

Dr. Meg Meeker explores from a pediatrician’s and mother’s perspectives what is wrong in our raising of boys, and how we can correct our errors to raise happy, healthy boys.  Meeker opens with seven secrets to raising sons:

• Know how to encourage your son; don’t baby or spoil your son, but don’t harshly criticize him either
• Understand what your son needs: it’s time with you
• Recognize that boys were made for the outdoors: give boys a sense of adventure
• Remember that boys need rules; if boys don’t have rules, they feel lost.
• A healthy boys strives after virtues like integrity and self-control.
• Learn how to teach your son about the big questions in life; your son wants to know and needs to know why he’s here, what his purpose in life is and why he is important.
• The most important person in your son’s life is you.

Meeker’s goal is to “let boys be boys, to recognize the value of boyhood, and to understand how how parents can help guide their young sons...into mature, confident, and thoughtful men.”  Meeker argues that there are many factors in today’s society that work against boys such as divorce, parents working more hours, more sexually active girls, and of course, the media. Meeker argues much of the same points that Guiran did in The Wonder of Boys, “I believe that the trouble hurting our boys stems from three major sources: lack of close relationships with men, lack of religious education, and aggressive exposure to toxic media that teaches boys that the keys to a great life are sex, sex, and a bit more sex- and a whole lot of money and fame.”  So what is the answer- time and again, the answer is more time with parents.  “The foundation of any boy’s life is built on three things: his relationship with his parents, his relationship with God, and his relationship with his siblings and close friends.” Boys needs more time with you: time to talk and time to play. He needs more outdoor time. He needs to know that God exists and that his life is no accident. He needs and wants the benefit of his parents’ wisdom, life experience and maturity.

Meeker examines each of these areas separately:

Parents:

• boys need strong relationships with their parents
• every son is his father’s apprentice, studying his father’s way way of living, thinking and behaving
• Boys need to see men at work and who set standards so they can mimic these standards.
• Boys need to work alongside their fathers so they function as a team.
• Boys need parents who struggle with their sons in times of hardship as well as in times of joy
• Boys need to see their parents proud of them. They also need to see how their parents work through problems, tension, anger and frustration
• Growing up in a family where there is mutual respect and trust, where they feel like they fit in, they will grow into confident men
• It’s far more important that parents spend time with kids rather than do things or buy things for kids.
• Boys will do anything a father wants them to
• When disciplining, it is important to give your son your ear. Speak less and listen more. Also it is important that your son has seven times as much as positive time with you as he has negative time.
• Parents need to filter media for kids; kids don’t need television, computers etc... in their rooms.

God:

• God matters to boys because it provides and anchor, an authority figure
• Faith in God privies confidence
• Faith in God provides a guard against depression and provides moral instruciton
• Boys do better when they have a moral framework clearly indicating rights from wrongs

Siblings and close friends:

• Boys need to learn how to negotiate healthy relationships with friends and family
• These relationships set the ground rules for all other relationships

Being outside:

• Boys need to be outside. It is their time to connect with nature and find solitude.
• Being outside allows for boys to use their imaginations
• Boys learn confidence and decision making skills being outside.
• Parents do not have to set rules for being outside.   Boys need to learn to assert themselves in their outdoor activities.  Parents who set all the rules for kids and are always protecting their sons prohibit their sons from feeling the bumps and bruises of life growing from these all important learning opportunities.
• Boys need places where they can be alone and think- the outdoors provides this.
• Boys have incredible power, but they need to learn how to harness that power and use it appropriately.
• Nature allows for boys competitive tendencies. Boys crave competition. It allows for kids to appreciate their own abilities as well as abilities of those around them.
• Boys need to serve, to help others and direct their energies in purposeful ways.

Technology and Media:

• Just because our sons are growing up in a technologically rich world doesn’t mean they don’t need guidance or scaffolding to help them find their way in this world.
• Boys exposure to violence is growing because the violence seems to be ubiquitous- its everywhere and all over.
• Boys are acting more aggressively and becoming more violent as a result.
• Disconnecting boys from media or limiting media is important to keep boys emotionally, mentally, and physically healthy.
• When boys are repeatedly exposed to lying, ridicule, aggression, etc.. from men they think that those are appropriate actions for boys, “ exposure to media violence harms boys. Whether they view it on television, on computer screens, or interact with violent video games, the best medical literature clearly shows that media violence affects boys at all developmental stages and increases their tendencies toward antisocial aggression.”
• Boys feel it is natural for them to have sex because they see teenagers showing it on television.
• Both violence and sexual behaviors are high risk to teenage boys because they can relate to a higher risk of depression in boys.
• When boys are exposed at an early age to pornography, or even seeing naked bodies of women, it profoundly changes the way boys perceive sex and behave sexually.  
• Boys need emotional connections- not “virtual” connections, but rather face to face connections.  
• Boys need real friends who will test his ability to be in control; he will have to “confront difficulties and find resolutions; he is forced to mature.”